“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
“I’m done. We cannot have anymore. Three is it.” It was the beginning of December 2012 when my husband looked at me with a deadpan expression on his face as tears began to pool in the corners of my eyes “Ok….but you have to understand; I need sometime to process this. Please be patient with me.” I couldn’t hold back anymore. The river of sorrow, pain, and grief broke free as I ran to the only place I knew to find comfort in the arms of my Father.
“Lord” I cried out as the pain was penetrating my heart. “I don’t understand. I just thought there would always be at least four. I am so confused. You send me signs yet my husband says no. Which one is it? You know the desire of my heart, but I don’t know if that’s your will for me. I want so desperate for my son to have a pal to play with. If your answer is “no” I know I will be okay overtime, but heal my broken heart. If your answer is “yes” then prepare my husband’s heart because he is going to need a lot of help.” Immediately after sending up my plea, God whispered in my heart “And unto her a child is born. You will be pregnant within a month.” I dove into my bible to find the reference: Luke 1:31 and Matthew 1:21 and was amazed at the connection.
See the depth of my grief had been building over a few years, as my husband would drop random hints that he could only be a father of three. “We can barely afford three.”, “Three is enough.” “I don’t want to be fifty when my kid graduates.” “I’m exhausted.” “I can’t physically keep up with everything anymore.” And other subtle hints that eventually led up to his ultimate “no” that day. Yet my heart did not want to hear it because I still believed that God would give us one more to meet the burning desire in my heart.
However, that day my husband was serious. “No, I’m sorry. I’m done.” Yet, I was still so confused because through multiple ways I felt that God was trying to tell me “Yes”. You see over the course of almost two years, I had mistakenly received copies in my mailbox at school that were about child development, (I teach language arts.), in my home mailbox there were continuous coupons for formula that my youngest son no longer had a need for (he was almost three). I received coupons on almost a monthly basis until one day an even bigger “sign” arrived in my mailbox. Samples. Not just small package samples of formula, which I had received in the past, but two full sized whole containers of formula. “Lord!” I laughed out loud to my kids one day. “You really have a sense of humor.”
As these little “signs” would take place, I would laugh in confusion and tell God what a sense of humor he had all the while I was trying to allow my heart to filter through God’s will for me. I also shared my story with several sisters in the Lord who knew the deep longing in my heart, and continued to pray with me over the situation. Over time, my heart was beginning to heal, but the desire still remained. It was as if God did not want me to have closure on the subject.
Fast forward to a Saturday morning in January 2012 I was not feeling well and the flu was running rampant at school, so I thought nothing of it. I sat on the sofa most of the day and felt less queasy the next day. A few weeks passed by, as my stomach would have it’s occasional bouts of stomach flu symptoms. Yet, the puzzlement came when the pattern of my body was thrown off for over two weeks. Then, I knew something was up. Ironically, as much of a desire I had in my heart for what I believed to be true, I was terrified because I knew that telling the news to my husband would not be easy. He might not even accept this child.
I blinked away my awed and amazed expression as I stared at the two purple lines. It was positive. One month exactly. “And unto her a child was born.” God’s plan had been in action all along and now was being fulfilled. I was overwhelmed, elated, overjoyed and yet I had never felt so terrified in my life to share what should be a joyous moment with my husband because I knew in his mind, he was done.