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Exposed Before the Throne

“No Lord. I don’t want to pray for him. It’s too much. I am so tired of going around the same mountain and having the same results. Rejection. Not of me, but of you. A constant overwhelming leftover attitude of disappointment. I’m tired of his selfish ways. Why should I? He obviously doesn’t want it. I am too mad right now. I won’t.” Tears pooled over my eyes and dripped down my cheeks as my sobs began to overtake me.

Remember when you didn’t want me?

“I had a different reason. I knew life would change and now look where it’s at.” The dam had broken. The years of constant praying, hoping, and waiting with seemingly unanswered prayers was taking a toll.

Remember your thoughts become your actions?

“Lord, can’t you see his selfish ways? Why do I feel so alone in my own home? How long will this go on?”

Daughter, you are never alone. Remember my promises. I always keep my promises. Look at all of what I have done.

Slowly I lifted my head and replied. “I know. I know I will pray for him. I have promised you I would even if it lasts a lifetime. Father, forgive me for my bitter heart. Give me strength to go on. You always keep your promise.”

Some days my heart is so full of the aches and pains of life that it feels like I can’t carry on, but as each band-aid is removed the wound underneath shows healing and new beginnings.

Never in a million years did I picture my life as it is today. Although in my heart I had planned out my life, it is ultimately the Lord God who establishes my steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

A few minutes later, I received several encouraging replies from some dear sisters in the Lord. One note I received brought me out of my bitter pity party back to reality. The message was simple but poignant. One day we will all stand before Him and have to explain our actions, thoughts, and words including my husband. How would I explain to God that my desire for a changed heart was destroyed one day when I simply wouldn’t pray because of my own selfish contrite heart? Hypocritical? Absolutely.

Father, help us to remember that you are drawing ever near and will soon make your appearance. Let me stand before you with a pure and undefiled heart. We are never alone. You are always watching over us (Psalm 121:3-8). I am so joyful for the trials that draw me near to you.You are my bridegroom and the one who knows my fears, hurts, and hopes. You will never leave me or forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6). Thank you for walking me along the path that leads to you so that I can be an encouragement to others who are suffering just the same. Teach me to truly understand what it means to love like you with an unfailing agape love.

 

 

 

About Renee

Renee
is an author and editor for The Bottom Line Ministries as well as a member of Faith Writers. Currently she teaches high school language arts. She is a mom to four amazing blessings and enjoys every moment life has to offer. Renee has a fervor and drive to learn, she loves to read and spend time with her family, and is involved with her local church ministries. Humbled by God’s gift of words, she has a passion to write what the Holy Spirit has placed in her heart. She hopes to publish her in-progress book someday, but in the meantime, is honored to be placed as part of the TBL writing family and is holding on to the ride wherever God is leading. Renee and her family reside in their country home in Holland, Iowa.

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4 comments

  1. Melinda

    God understands this ache in a spouse’s heart. He understands what it’s like to have His words rejected. He, being Jesus, may never have felt the human bitterness that we are susceptible to. But He does understand it but doesn’t want us to stay there. We, as His followers, need to focus on Him and what He did for US. Our frustration, irritation, and exasperation with those who refuse to listen shrink when they are placed at the foot of the cross.
    Keeping our eyes on Jesus keeps our focus on Him instead of our own feelings.
    ~ I’m sure many can identify with this struggle.

  2. As you stated in the article that you find selfishness in your husband that brings tears and bitterness at times that seem to overwhelm your thought life, yet it’s what we already know about the natural man that we sometimes seem to forget because of how we relate in a personal way with one another. But the truth being is that they onlly knows how to be self-centered even at times when they do good things. The Lord knows the motives of the heart and yet He says that human beings do evil continuously.
    There is spiritual warfare that is going on which at times we tend to see it as a physical battle so we become blind sighted by what is really happening. The devil is out to defeat you by making you feel weary and frustrated. He knows how to use our emotions against us.so that we don’t have the character of Christ in us. Therefore each person in this relationship will be effected if we yield to our old nature. If it takes your life’s prayers to see him in Heaven, I know you would say it was worth it all. Not dismissing your struggles along the way, mind you.
    We know that Christ has made us to be over-comers and the victory is ours in Him! He understands your challenges and He will be your strength as you trust Him. The joy of The Lord is our strength so rejoice in Him through the tears if need be.
    By sharing your difficulties, you are not the only one in this battle for you and your husband. We come along side you to war against the enemy as well. You have brothers and sisters that will stand with you.
    One thing I remember hearing was that when there is a spiritual struggle in an individual, they may become cantantakous and hard to live with because they are facing a battle within as well for the devil doesn’t want to let ; so take heart.
    I don’t know if you have spoken to your husband about your need for his help in the daily chores at home but if you haven’t done so and just go about taking on too much so that it weights you done, he might not even have a clue what has been going on with you all this time. It just appears to him that you can handle it all by yourself.
    God Bless!

  3. I am so blessed to have so many who are in this battle with me. You are absolutely right. This is spiritual warfare and I am not fighting against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, and rulers of the darkness of this world and spiritual wickedness in high places. The part that I left out in my struggle is my complete understanding that I am subject to selfishness just as well. The difference between us is the Holy Spirit. It is true that sometimes a husband is unaware or sometimes he doesn’t want to intervene because we as moms are pretty efficient at our job. Yet, I have made him aware and have asked for his help, but right now some priorities are out of whack and what may seem important to one is not of great importance to another. The day I shared my heart was a bad bad day in my journey. The deeper and more widespread I pray, the greater the battle grows for his heart adding heaviness at times to me. However, I have no regrets to my life and what has happened to get us to this point. I am so blessed that my kids know the Lord and that we have a bond of unity. I pray that I can be an encouragement to those who may be in the same position. Others have walked this same journey before me for many more years than I can even fathom, so in my own words, I have nothing to complain about only to rejoice in knowing that my God loves me too much to not keep his promises.

  4. You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic
    to be really something that I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complicated and very broad for me.

    I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

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