“No Lord. I don’t want to pray for him. It’s too much. I am so tired of going around the same mountain and having the same results. Rejection. Not of me, but of you. A constant overwhelming leftover attitude of disappointment. I’m tired of his selfish ways. Why should I? He obviously doesn’t want it. I am too mad right now. I won’t.” Tears pooled over my eyes and dripped down my cheeks as my sobs began to overtake me.
Remember when you didn’t want me?
“I had a different reason. I knew life would change and now look where it’s at.” The dam had broken. The years of constant praying, hoping, and waiting with seemingly unanswered prayers was taking a toll.
Remember your thoughts become your actions?
“Lord, can’t you see his selfish ways? Why do I feel so alone in my own home? How long will this go on?”
Daughter, you are never alone. Remember my promises. I always keep my promises. Look at all of what I have done.
Slowly I lifted my head and replied. “I know. I know I will pray for him. I have promised you I would even if it lasts a lifetime. Father, forgive me for my bitter heart. Give me strength to go on. You always keep your promise.”
Some days my heart is so full of the aches and pains of life that it feels like I can’t carry on, but as each band-aid is removed the wound underneath shows healing and new beginnings.
Never in a million years did I picture my life as it is today. Although in my heart I had planned out my life, it is ultimately the Lord God who establishes my steps. (Proverbs 16:9)
A few minutes later, I received several encouraging replies from some dear sisters in the Lord. One note I received brought me out of my bitter pity party back to reality. The message was simple but poignant. One day we will all stand before Him and have to explain our actions, thoughts, and words including my husband. How would I explain to God that my desire for a changed heart was destroyed one day when I simply wouldn’t pray because of my own selfish contrite heart? Hypocritical? Absolutely.
Father, help us to remember that you are drawing ever near and will soon make your appearance. Let me stand before you with a pure and undefiled heart. We are never alone. You are always watching over us (Psalm 121:3-8). I am so joyful for the trials that draw me near to you.You are my bridegroom and the one who knows my fears, hurts, and hopes. You will never leave me or forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6). Thank you for walking me along the path that leads to you so that I can be an encouragement to others who are suffering just the same. Teach me to truly understand what it means to love like you with an unfailing agape love.