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Fear of Judgment

I will confess, people scare me. Maybe I should clarify that it’s not people but their thoughts and judgement that frighten me beyond words. But I will also tell you something else…I am a people person!

Now, you are probably wondering how the heck that works out like, People scare you but you are a people person? How does that work?

Once you get to know me I am the most happy, social butterfly of a person in the world but if you don’t know me then you would probably see me in a different way. If you don’t know me or try to get to know me, you will find me sitting in the corner of a room, headphones in and sometimes scrawling away in a note or sketchbook. (Or reading a book). Conversation with people I don’t know scares me. It really does. Oftentimes I will see someone that I want to talk to but I become afraid. I want to talk and Introduce myself but I don’t know what to say so I run many questions through my mind but always am scared to approach you and ask question. (For that reason, the fact I have friends puzzles me.) Want to know why this happens? I’ll tell you in 3 words.

Fear of Judgment.

Judgment. Something I hate and fear. All the time I feel judged for something I do or say. Whether it be what I wear, my views on life, the way I say things or talk, my ideas, my dreams, the way I live my life, how many friends I have, my hobbies, my music choices, my likes and dislikes…..EVERYTHING

I have a very popular phrase that always seems to slip from my lips and those words are this. ‘Don’t judge me.’ The way I always say it is in a joking tone, but I don’t think that people actually see that I don’t want them to judge me…because I’m scared. For a while (and even now still) I am left out of things or been cast out because of judgment from others. It’s a pain I struggle with and most the time find I’m living with. I also find that, to avoid that judgment I change who I am to the best of my abilities.But I also think its not just me. I think this happens to everyone.

How many times do you find yourself hiding behind something you aren’t just to avoid judgment? To pretend to do or know something you don’t? To hide our true selves behind a mask?

I know I do this often, but the thing is why should I hide? Why should I pretend to be someone I’m not when God created me to be just who I am? Nothing more and nothing less.

God made me a certain way and made me like, say or do the things I do, so shouldn’t I embrace that and be proud of that fact? Yes, I should and I am but when that fear of judgment takes you over and practically chokes you, freezing you on the spot it’s very very hard to remember. It’s hard to remember to embrace yourself for who you are and who God created you to be and remove that mask.

Another thing to think is who’s judgment really matters? In the end, what people think about you or say doesn’t matter. In the end God is judge so instead of fearing the judgment shouldn’t we try to forget it and push past it and live for God? Do what he plans for our lives? Be who he made us to be?

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    This was me when I was your age and I’d love to say that I’ve outgrown it but I haven’t. I’d like to tell you it gets easier as you get older (because, really, at my age, why on earth should I care what someone thinks of me?), but it doesn’t. Or at least it hasn’t for me. I have to constantly remind myself of what you have written here – that I am who God created me to be and that, as His Child, I have only Him to please. And you may not know this, but if I had my choice when we have a houseful of people, I’d be hiding in my room reading a book 😉 It’s your Papa who is a social butterfly, not me…

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