Through this article I am hoping to shed some light on a topic that is not discussed frequently in Christian circles. When I accepted Jesus as my Savior over 16 years ago, I had major issues with trust. I had been abused, rejected and betrayed by the very people who said that they loved me and were supposed to protect me. I was indoctrinated almost immediately that I could trust God and that He loved me, however, no one knew my hidden secret that I did not trust God. I wanted so desperately to trust Jesus, but I viewed Him the way I viewed the people who had hurt me. I was a Christian and I did believe that I would go to heaven if I died, but when I received salvation I did it out of fear that I would not spend eternity in hell. I believed all the lies that penetrated my soul for many years that people were bad and that they could not be trusted; thus this affected my relationship with God.
I struggled for most of my Christian walk being able to trust that God would protect me from evil, and that I could truly surrender all my control to Him. People control because of a root of fear, and I was one of the most fearful individuals. I simply could not let go and let God. I tried but I failed miserably to give it all to God. Why? I was scared that I would be let down once again. Most of my life was spent being let down by the ones who were supposed to shield me from danger. I was too ashamed to tell my new Christian family that I was having trouble trusting God, for if they knew that I was having trouble trusting God; they would ask me to leave. I just could not endure anymore abandonment, so I wore a “mask,” for many years. I learned how to pretend very quickly that I was okay, but deep down inside I yearned to know and trust Jesus like I saw others do.
After my salvation experience, my life was faced with devastating hardships. More betrayal, rejection, and suffering. All of these trials made it even harder for me to trust God. Many days, I would simply ask God, “Where are you in all of this?” I wondered if He had abandoned and rejected me too. I admit, sometimes it did feel that God left me. I wrestled understanding God’s plans and His ways. Of course, I read the Bible and prayed and I even had people pray over me; but when you have a distorted view of God it makes it very difficult to accept the truth.
How I longed to be like the friends that I had that were raised in Christian homes and were treated with love and respect. Trusting God seemed to come so easily for them, but I wrestled for years with allowing God full control of my life. Was I a bad person or did that make me any less of a Christian? Some may say yes, but I would say all of my searching to know God has actually made my faith stronger. I have come to know and trust my Father, Jesus Christ. I know after all these years, that He does love me and He is my refuge. I was forced to seek God in ways that many may not had to. God showed me time and time again that I may not like everything that happens in my life and sometimes life is unfair, but He will cover me and lead me out of all destructive paths. God will not waste the pain that we go through, if we allow Him to heal us; He will use your suffering to minister to others.
God cares more about your relationship with Him than anything else. Having a right relationship with Jesus is the most important thing you will do in your life, let nothing come above this. Seek Him and He will be found.
When I am in trouble, I call on the name that is above all names-Jesus. I run to Him and I wait for His deliverance. I now can trust that His plans are better than mine, and I can rest in Him. There comes a peace to those who are able to rest in Him, and not try and control the outcomes.
Maybe you are in that same situation, trusting God is difficult for you. May I encourage you to continue to seek Jesus and allow Him to heal you from the inside out. People will fail you and not all people can be trusted, but God can be trusted.
The Lord will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And those who know your name will put their trust in you; For you, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10
In what ways have you had trouble trusting God? What has God done in your life to show you He is trustworthy?