Sex is a gift from God, and He commands us to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28), so what makes it a sin?
Sex can be seen along the same lines as gluttony and drunkenness which makes it become a form of idolatry. Society claims that we have to be sexually compatible with our soul mates, so people put sex way up on their list of priorities when seeking their soul mate. Sex, however, should not be the capstone of a relationship, or a reward for having a good time.
Sex is a very small part of a relationship. Why base your whole relationship on how your partner makes you feel sexually when it has very little to do with the rest of the relationship? What does sexual fulfillment have to do with a relationship that is supposed to last a life time, when quite often sexual desire doesn’t even last a lifetime? Sex is also a test to illustrate your loyalty and devotion to God. If you can’t contain your lust and desires, devoting yourself to someone you see every day, then how are you going to devote yourself to God whom you have never seen?
There should be no such thing as sexual compatibility because it encourages fornication. People suddenly find it necessary to try out everyone they meet before deciding who to marry. This is why there are so many single parents out there–people need to think before they become involved sexually. Is this person you are drooling over going to be a good parent, do they have traits you would like to see in your own child? Sex should not be taken lightly; 15 minutes of pleasure could end up being a lifetime of regrets.
Once you decide on a compatible partner, your devotion should be solely toward them, no matter how you feel about anyone else. It’s called self-control, we each must learn to control our desires. (Colossians 3) Once the choice is made you should stick to it until you have learned if the relationship is a good fit for lifelong devotion. Many people have this notion that getting into a committed relationship won’t change them, but the fact is you can’t enter a serious relationship without changing, because even though you aren’t married yet, that person should be the most important person in your life and what they want should come first, it’s a good way to find out how each will react in given circumstances, a prelude to what the marriage will be like.
In a relationship, you are no longer the one making decisions, “your decision,” suddenly becomes “our decision.” It’s a joint effort on both parts, and both parties need to be considered before doing anything, and you both need to be okay with the decision made.
Once you have decided that it’s a good fit, then prepare yourself, because you will suddenly be faced with trying to meld two people into one. (Mark 10:6-9). The most important thing in a relationship is personal compatibility–is your partner strong where you’re weak? Is your partner able to realize when you have had a bad day or recognize when you need time for yourself? Are they there for you when you need them the most–do they cry when you cry, do they lift you up when you feel weak, or do they laugh and make fun of it?
You need to really think about it and decide if this person is going to support you through all the problems you will face in life, even problems that are very real to you, but perhaps seem insignificant to others.
Sex should not even be factored into the decision about who to marry because, ideally, neither of you should have been indulging in sex. It should be one of those things you work on together once you’re married. It adds life to the relationship as you learn together what you’re each comfortable with and what makes you feel uncomfortable.
Sexuality should not become a part of the relationship until you’re married and have decided that you would like to have children, because inevitably that’s what sex is all about.
Paul covers it pretty well in 1 Corinthians 7:
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)
And in 1 Corinthians 7:37-38:
Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.
As illustrated here, there is no room in a Christian’s Life for fornication and adultery, so it’s up to us to decide whether we want to have a lifelong relationship with one person, under God, or live our lives for God alone.
As a Christian, what choice will be more beneficial for your walk?
I agree with much of what you say here, Tim, but I think sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, and I believe God thinks it’s important, otherwise He wouldn’t admonish married people to have frequent sex. This doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be purity and selflessness in this holy act of unity given for bonding, pleasure, and procreation. And I’m not at all advocating sexual sin in upholding sex as important.
I don’t believe that anybody is less holy or less Christian if they factor in sexual compatibility in their decision making for a spouse.
With that said, I also believe that two people can have a fulfilling, intimate relationship if they for some reason do not or cannot make love to each other and they are already married.
The point I was trying to make is that if you choose to not have sex until you are married, (and righteously so) sexual compatibility wouldn’t be a factor because you would not have had sex before.But once you are married you would strive to serve each other in a respectable way in which both can be fulfilled sexually, and you become compatible for each other in that way.
A virgin is not sexually insensitive and can tell if she will be sexually attracted to a man or not, even if she has not had sex. This isn’t the same for male virgins? Also, even virgins have impure thoughts that can lead to self-gratification – issues that The Lord works out during waiting and sanctification.
Maybe I still don’t understand where you’re coming from.
I am wondering if you’re addressing the fear of waiting until after marriage because then it would be too late to undo the decision if things don’t work out in that area.
If a single person has those fears, and yet they desire to obey God in spite of those fears, God will do a work of purifying their desire for marriage and they will find that those fears resolve themselves because they will be more concerned about truly loving another person than what they’ll be getting out of the marriage.
I think it would be a very rare case that sexual incompatility would happen after marriage because there should already be trust, intimacy, and a deep spiritual connection built up, which underlie good sexual relations.
That’s my take on things, anyway.
I am evidently misunderstanding you. We all have desires, but as Christians it’s up to us to learn to control them. The compatibility I am speaking of is actually learned through the experiences you have with your spouse, you’re going to work together to learn what sexual experiences you are comfortable with and each will conform to the other’s needs, as it says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.