“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Days and weeks passed as I slowly recovered and eventually went back to finish out the school year, yet my husband kept his distance. Upon our son’s first check up, our doctor whom we’ve known for years, said that everything looked normal except for one test. One newborn child screen came back positive. It was a preliminarily genetic test for the probability of cystic fibrosis.
I was shocked. After three healthy kids, I expected nothing less from the fourth. I did my best to remain calm and tear free. Listening intently, I began to grasp the seriousness of the problem as the next step in the process of identification was explained. An appointment to the University of Iowa Health Clinic Pediatrics, a sweat test, and the time frame for possible results along with a meeting with a genetic counselor. Trying to process all of the news, I headed into the waiting room to ask my husband to come and talk to the doctor about what I had just heard. In the meantime, I had to do my best to put on a poker face to reassure the kids that everything would be fine.
Looking back on the situation now, I know that if I didn’t know Jesus, I would have had an emotional breakdown right there in the doctor’s office, but instead I received peace and encouragement from those I had messaged earlier to pray for our son. On the other hand, my husband did his best to stay strong on his own, but I knew the unanswered question: Does my son have this deadly disease or not? was eating at him from the inside. I didn’t know if he could handle the stress of not knowing since our appointment was almost a month away and even then we were uncertain of when we would have answers to our burning questions.
In this journey of faith you either move or be moved. Remaining stale and stagnant is by choice. For this circumstance, God was moving me. He was calling me to answer a burning question of his own:
Do you really trust me? “Trust you Lord? Yes, I trust You.
Do you really? “Yes. Why do you doubt if I trust You are not.”
What if the answer is yes? What if he has the disease? Will you trust me?
The crossroad of my faith had been moved and I wrestled with His question. Why would it be yes? He gave me the desire of my heart as a gift. Why would he take it away so soon? Maybe it was a test to see where I was with my faith. God does that you know? Many times he gives us little quizzes to see where we are. For me, I was ready to move. “Yes Lord. Even if the answer is Yes. I trust You. Even if we don’t have the money. Even if he lives to see his 30th birthday. Even if we don’t have the right medicine. Even if the answer is yes. You are my only hope. You are the rock that is higher than I.”
Do not worry. Do not be anxious.
“Ok. I trust You no matter what the outcome. He is Yours and I thank you for the blessing.”
Time felt like molasses but finally the day arrived. Hours we waited just to be seen. “Lord, I trust you.” Hours we waited as little round packs of ice were wrapped on the fat folds of our bundled infant. “I trust You Lord.” Hours we waited for a coil the size of a quarter to turn pink as our papoose sweated his little heart out slumbering peacefully all the while the eerie silence was filled by my husband’s anxious heart beat that seemed to pulsate louder by the minute. “Only You I trust.”
We met with the genetic counselor who specializes in cystic fibrosis. She did her best to assure us with the statistics all the while keeping straight the facts. On top of my husband’s nerves, we were informed that we may not find out the results today since the test had to be redone and was taking longer than usual and they were closing soon. (They hadn’t performed this test in a few years because there hadn’t been a need until today.) Yet, an assurance rested over me as my husband went to get some fresh air. I prayed in his absence. “Lord, You are my refuge. Whatever the outcome, I will serve you. In my heart, I already knew the answer and I was not anxious. God would prevail and so would our son.
We left the clinic only knowing that half of the test was complete and it seemed promising. Within 5 minutes of leaving the parking lot and heading home, we received the conformation we had been waiting for. Our newborn boy was free from the disease. The only connection is that he is a carrier that may affect his own children in the future, but for now, my husband breathed a tremendous sigh of relief as tears welled up in his eyes. “Thank you God!”
Although our life experience is not over, I am so thankful for the trial we had to go through. It forced me to move and draw near to Him. Even if the outcome would have been different, I know that God would still prevail. I encourage you that if you are at a crossroads in your journey and God is asking you to move or be moved. Walk out in faith. He will honor your decision. Stepping out where my feet may fail is a choice I will never regret and knowing that He is by my side gives me opportunities that I may miss if I do not go where I am being called, and I know that His love for me will never fail even if I fail myself.