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Even When You Can’t See God, You’ve Always Been Held

One of the joys in my life is my precious daughter. She is my gift from the hand of God given to us seven years ago. Her smile is contagious and her heart is pure. She is the picture of a wonderful little lady with the exception of one small detail. She likes to play WWE Smackdown with her daddy.

It is not unusual to hear shrieking coming from inside of my house. There is a blessed noise of childhood that is just expected. But some sounds, they just stop you cold.

This past summer she and her daddy got just a little too rough. She jumped to “Do a BIG ONE on him.” Poor Anna Kate … she missed.

What was meant to be her greatest feat, quickly devolved into her worst nightmare. With all the might she could possibly muster, she forced herself into the air. Unfortunately, her trajectory was off ever so slightly. Her new target was now the small nightstand in the corner.

Her injury was painful, yet superficial. Nothing a few stitches and a trip to McDonald’s© wouldn’t cure.

Now understand please that she had never been to the hospital, never seen stitches, and had no idea what was in store.

I waited until the last possible second to tell her. The thing that would ultimately heal her was going to hurt.

Relieved that the truth was finally out, I thought the worst was over. Then, they looked at me and said, “Mom, it is YOUR job hold her.”

You know, some memories slip away so quickly, while others are forever burned into your soul.
Her pleas still haunt me: “Mommy, is it going to hurt? Mommy, I am scared!”

Then they covered her face. She was now totally surrounded by darkness.

“Mommy, make it stop! Mommy, is it over? You said it would be over soon! This hurts too much.”

She begged “Mommy, hold me! Please mommy, I can’t hear you anymore. It’s dark, Mommy! Hold me Mommy! Are you there?”

I stood there with tears rolling down my face. My heart was absolutely breaking because I knew at any moment, I COULD STOP IT. I could end it, but my heart chose not to. I chose what I knew she needed. What would help her, and ultimately heal her. I allowed her to go through the pain.

Looking back, I am amazed at how God allows circumstances in our lives to teach us something. This event was so shockingly parallel to my own experience that the similarities could only be described as divine.

I too, had  moments of absolute fear and desperation. March 5, 2009, I was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm corrected only by life-threatening (open skull) brain surgery.

I remember my own experience. My conversation with God mirrored my own daughter’s pleas:

“You have an aneurysm … “

Oh God, this hurts, I am scared.”

“You have to have surgery … very dangerous surgery.”

“God, make it stop.”

“You might be blind … “

“God is it over?”

“You might not make it.”

“God, You said it would be over soon. My kids need a mom. I want to watch them grow up. It hurts too much. My husband needs me … Just, Please make it stop. I don’t want to die.”

The only calm in my soul was a small voice that whispered, “Do you trust me? Not for what I will do, but for Who I Am? I know it hurts; I know you are scared. I am NOT going to take it away, but I WILL HOLD YOU. While you may not understand what is going on, I DO.”

The night before my surgery, I had resolved that I had to RELINQUISH control.  I had to trust that whether God answered me or not, HE was listening.

I do get so amused with God at times.  It seems like when I beg and beg for a specific request, I never seem to get it. It is always when I stop telling God what to do that HE always does what I need.

My hospital room was quiet and still as only late night in a hospital room can be.  To my right, my husband,  was sleeping.  Restless and wondering about the events of the next day, I was given such an incredible blessing.

Sometimes it still seems like a dream. But, one that I would never want to wake up from. At the foot of my bed, back to me, was someone sitting there.  I never saw their face; they never said a word.  Just had their hand on my leg, sitting quietly.

Now some people thing I am weird,  some people think it was the drugs, but In that moment, I experienced such a peace. I realized quickly, that I knew nothing of Holy.

Jesus didn’t assure me of anything except HIS presence. I needed nothing else. In that room, in my greatest hour of despair, I experienced my Savior. What a glorious experience … to just be held.
Not knowing the outcome, not lessening the pain, or erasing the fear. Just asking me to rest in His presence. The fears of this world simply faded away. People ask me all the time if my story is true. If I ever ask “Why?”

How could someone who has been a Christian since childhood, a minister’s wife, a servant, be asked to go through this?  Where was my promise of abundant life?

“Your life has been one of surrender, yet in your darkest hour, God abandoned you.”

I just smile.  I can’t explain it, and there is no way they will ever understand … I wasn’t abandoned. I was Held.

Have you ever felt as if God abandoned you? Looking back, even if He didn’t “fix” it can you see His presence?

About Raney Mills

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